


Kevin's Elevator ADVENTURE!!!!!!!

by thesunisloud



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Crack Fic, Elevators, Humor, M/M, Trapped In Elevator, Would you believe there was already a "Trapped In Elevator" tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-05
Updated: 2014-12-05
Packaged: 2018-02-28 07:32:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2723963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesunisloud/pseuds/thesunisloud
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kevin is trapped in the elevator on the way to Diego's penthouse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kevin's Elevator ADVENTURE!!!!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This version of Kevin and Diego belongs to videnteferandez. You can see one of her utterly adorable drawings of Kevin here: http://videntefernandez.tumblr.com/post/87874255078  
> I tend to depict him as a little more stabby, like the canon suggests he is. Also, about halfway through this, it occurred to me that maybe Kevin is GREAT with kids.

One of the best parts about living in Diego’s penthouse was that Kevin got the elevator ALL TO HIMSELF.

It wasn’t actually designated as Kevin or Diego’s personal elevator. But whenever Kevin was on it, any time it stopped and opened its doors, the people outside would invariably see who was inside and opt to wait for the next one. Kevin always waved invitingly at these people, but they always stepped backwards with the STRANGEST little smiles that surely said, “You da man, Kevin! I’ll let you have this ride all to yourself.”

Likewise, when Diego was with him, Diego would smile that special smile he saved for when he was about to decorate, and the people outside the doors would shake in excitement and rush to close the doors for him so he could get to his home faster!

Kevin had been stopped five times on his way up today, and had saluted the happy residents of the building five times with his blood-soaked knives. They’d all jumped to close the doors for him, just like he was Diego! Kevin was a modest radio broadcaster, but he had to admit that this special treatment made him glow.

Just a few floors from the top, Kevin felt the elevator come to a stop again. He raised his knives and showed all his teeth, but when the door opened, nobody was there. In fact, nothing was there. Just cables and solid concrete. He blinked and looked at the floor number. He was between 57 and 58.

With remarkable clarity for someone who is, well, him, Kevin recognized that the elevator had become stuck.

He pressed a few buttons, including the nonfunctional CALL one. Nothing happened. He took out his cell phone, but there was no reception in the elevator shaft.

There was a 6-inch gap at his feet where the elevator hovered in the space of floor 57 a bit. He could see the light spilling in from the hallway ceiling— as part of the malfunction, the doors on that floor had opened.

Kevin got on his stomach and called out. “Hey! Is anyone there? I’m trapped in the elevator.” He stuck his blood-coated arm through the gap and waved.

Someone down the hall responded. “Hey, buddy, I see you!” Footsteps approached. “Are you okay?”

Kevin withdrew his arm and pulled his face up to the gap to look at his rescuer. The man locked his eyes onto his half-revealed face and said, “Oh, smiling god.”

“Hello, friend!” Kevin greeted.

The man gave Kevin a big, funny wave that involved touching his forehead, stomach, left shoulder, then right shoulder.

<i>Spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch</i> echoed in Kevin’s head, a distant rhyme from a forgotten time, but he didn’t think any further on it. The idea of getting trapped in an elevator must be a phobia for this man, because he started to shake like he was really nervous.

“I—” he said hoarsely. A tear rolled down his cheek. “I—” He cleared his throat. “I’ll help you, Kevin. Don’t you worry. I- I’m sure it’s what Diego would want me to do. It’s, it’s a privilege, I’ll tell my family, who loves me very much and would hate to see me die, what an honor it was to save you today, s-sir.” As he spoke, he fumbled with his phone and dropped it twice. He finally dropped to his knees on the floor to operate the dial pad.

“Hello, Maintenance? The elevator is stuck— no, no, shhh, shut up, <i>listen to me</i>… Kevin Free is trapped inside.” He paused as the man at the other end of the line spoke. “Yes. THAT Kevin Free.”

A sharp “bang” sounded through the phone’s mouthpiece, followed by a thud. The man said “Hello? Hello?” Then he hung up and said, “Maintenance shot himself.”

“Awww. How am I going to get out?”

“Well, I… I can’t abandon you. He would find me.” The man’s voice turned all hoarse. “It doesn’t matter how far I run. He would hunt me down.” He stared wildly into the glittering black eye pressed against the gap, gaze flicking back and forth to the bloody fingers that curled over the edge of the carriage floor. Again he touched his spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch, and squeaked, “Oh god. Oh God. Oh smiling god. Oh Jesus. Oh Zeus. Oh ancient masters. See me through this trial.” More loudly: “I’ve got you, Kevin. I’ll get you out of this.”

“I appreciate the help, friend!”

He backed away and looked around, groping for a solution. He hit the UP button a few times, then the DOWN button. Floor 66. Floor L. The elevator didn’t budge. The man jumped up and grabbed the lip of the carriage, trying to haul it down with his own body weight. He accomplished nothing.

He dropped back to his feet, panting, then looked over his shoulder at movement down the hall. “Hey! You!” he said, waving wildly. “Help me with this! The elevator is stuck!”

“Sure thing!” a woman responded. She approached and looked up at the gap that the man was staring at. “Somebody stuck in there? Don’t worry, dear, we— Oh.” When she saw Kevin blinking at her through the narrow gap, she turned white and slowly turned to face the man. Hoarsely, she said to him, “You have dooomed meee.”

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered to her.

They looked at each other for a moment, then at the same time, jumped up and grabbed the carriage in a desperate attempt to drag it down.

They let go, panting, and looked again to each other with wild looks in their eyes. “We have to save him,” the woman said. “There’s no other option.”

“I know.”

“I have a car jack in my car… maybe… we can use it to pry the elevator downwards…”

“Don’t you dare leave me, don’t you dare leave me alone! Diego will find you!”

“I’ll come back, I swear.”

“I’m hungry,” Kevin said.

“HERE TAKE MY LUNCH,” the man replied, shoving a brown paper bag through the gap.

“Yum!”

Kevin thanked the man and then sat against a wall to eat.

He had become accustomed to gourmet fare, but the ritz crackers, thermos of store-brand soup, and tupperware full of tuna fish with Worchestshire sauce had both a quaint and nostalgic charm. Kevin squirmed happily as he sipped the chicken-and-stars soup from the plastic cup.

Occasional snips of dialog drifted in from outside:

“YOU tell Diego.”

“— have a family just like you, and I don’t want to die—”

“Hey! You down there! Come help us!”

“—don’t want to know who’s in there, just help us get him out—”

“— you dare walk away—”

“— don’t understand what all the fuss is about!”

“Diego’s pet is in there.”

Kevin unfolded the note that had been tucked inside the bag. The first page said, “I love you, sugar lump. Have a productive day at work,” while the second page consisted of crayon drawings. Kevin chuckled and laid on his stomach, kicking his feet in the air, while he turned the paper to try to figure out what the scribbles were supposed to depict.

“You are joking. Tell me you are joking.”

“It’s Kevin. He’s covered in blood and everything.”

“He SMILED at me. You have not known horror—”

“Have you tried calling maintenance?”

“Maintenance killed himself.”

“HE HAD THE RIGHT IDEA.” There was a gunshot and a thump.

“YOU! Get over here! We need help!”

Words came through the gap much more clearly now that Kevin’s head was near the floor. He turned the page on its edge. Oh, there we go. There were clearly drawings of people on it. The child who drew it, perhaps, and the nice man and his wife? That would make sense. They were doing something, surrounded by objects, and there was an object between them… what was it…

“Don’t panic.”

“Hey, you! Come help us!”

“Do you think he’ll attack us when he gets out?”

“He has knives.”

“He always has freaking knives.”

“If we screw up the rescue of Diego’s precious little pet, we’re all dead! Screaming, bleeding on the floor for days before we die dead! It doesn’t matter if Kevin slices us up! Diego will be worse!”

“Don’t you run! I will sell you out so fast! We’re all in this now! All of us!”

“Where’s that gun? Where’s that gun?”

“A death pact! Our fates are entangled now! Nobody gets out! We will hunt pact-breakers down ourselves and place their head on a spike as a warning to all others!”

Kevin nibbled on an apple slice. It looked like maybe it was supposed to be a toy sailboat. Were they racing remote-controlled boats in a park? No, but then what were those round things in the air supposed to be?

“I said don’t panic! Oh smiling god oh smiling god…”

“Surely there’s strength in numbers… I mean, if we’re all here, he won’t single out just one of us as failing.”

“Do you think Diego would hesitate for one second to kill everyone in this building?”

He finished his apples and stuck his head in the bag with a snuffle. It was empty now.

“Then what we need to do is stop panicking and—”

“Hey.”

Everyone stopped dead when Kevin reappeared in the gap. There were about six or seven of them now.

“Buddy,” Kevin said.

The man who had first responded made some gestures to his various gods and stepped forward. “Yes, sir?”

“Didn’t your wife pack you any cookies?”

“She— uh— I—” He shook and fell to his knees with his hands covering his face. In a voice so tiny Kevin could barely make it out, he squeaked, “I already ate them.”

“Awww.”

Everyone went dead silent at Kevin’s disappointed response, aside from the man’s uncontrollable sobbing.

“Well, I appreciate the lunch,” Kevin said politely. He recalled the drawing. “Do you have kids?”

“PLEASE!” The man shouted, jumping to his feet. “I’ll get you cookies! I live down the hall! I’ll get you cookies!” He ran off, the crowd shouting after him, “Don’t leave us!” “You’d better come back!” “Don’t waste time saying goodbye to your family!”

Only seconds passed before the man returned, running as he called to two people behind him, “No! Don’t follow me! Stay in the apartment! I don’t have time to explain!”

A woman’s voice: “But what’s wrong? You can’t just run into the house in a dead panic, grab all the cookies and—”

“HERE!” The man shouted, shoving a box of golden oreos and two packets of moon pies through the gap. “It’s all I have.”

“Yum!” Kevin dragged the cookies into the carriage and returned to his wall.

“Were those golden oreos?”

“Buddy, you’re so screwed. Nobody likes golden oreos.”

“Sugar lump, what’s going on? What’s everyone so upset about?”

“Da-dayyy!”

“Oh honey, oh precious, I— I can’t—”

“Kevin’s in there.”

“What? Diego’s pet?”

“Shhhh! He can HEAR you!”

“No he can’t. Can he? Oh smiling god. I’ve been calling him that this whole time. Oh smiling god. Oh smiling god.”

“Slow down! You mean +HE+ is in there??”

“Yes!”

“Mo-maa!”

“Oh precious, oh my darling little baby, it’s going to be okay…”

Kevin sniffed at the strangely colored oreos. He’d never had one that wasn’t chocolate before. He tentatively twisted one apart and licked the icing. It tasted normal.

“Here’s the gun. Use it on your child and then yourself, before it’s too late.”

“No! I need it first! I called him Diego’s pet!”

“It’s not him. It can’t be him.”

“I can’t believe you gave him those disgusting golden oreos—”

Kevin scraped and laved all the icing off the pale cookie, then sniffed it again and took a little nibble.

“Hey!” he said, pulling himself back up to the gap.

The man’s wife fainted.

“Hey, Buddy? …Sugar Lump?”

“It learned your naammmme,” someone in the crowd hissed. Everyone backed away from the nice man like he had a disease.

“Only my p-pet name,” Sugar Lump protested weakly, stepping forward with shaking knees. “Yes, Kevin?” he whispered with nothing but dry, doomed air for a voice.

“Sugar Lump,” Kevin crooned with a beatific smile. “These sand-colored oreos are GREAT!!”

A mass sigh of relief rose from the crowd, now nearly ten strong.

His exposed black eye fell on the toddler who was now looking in confusion at his mother’s unconscious form. “Hey! You! Did you draw this?” Kevin thrust his arm through the gap, holding the drawing.

“Uh-huh,” the boy nodded.

Kevin pulled his grin fully into view for the child. “I love it! You chose such nice colors.”

“Ankyou,” the boy mumbled.

“What’s it supposed to be?”

“It kahdwah,” the boy said, gesturing at the people.

“Uh-huh,” Kevin said, nodding encouragingly.

“A buentim bub. Wib ubble croow.”

“Oh? So these aren’t boats?”

“No. Ubwuh. Gund ifts ib naaa wib. Ubbuh seeh.”

“Yeah? Do you do that every week?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Well, that sounds like a lot of fun! You tell your daddy that he has to invite me over for that sometime.”

“Yay!”

Sugar Lump took inventory of his spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch again.

“Hey, kid— uh, what’s your name?”

“Sa. Amaaaa.”

“Sammy! That’s a great name. One step away from ‘Sandy!’ Sammy. You like oreos?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Sammy…” Sugar Lump choked, voice constricted with helpless tears.

Kevin retreated from the gap, then returned to stick his arm through, offering the box of golden oreos. After a brief scuffle, someone from the crowd came forward to accept it and pass it down to the child. Sammy took a couple cookies, and then the crowd noticed Kevin opening and closing his hand for the return of his box, and scrambled to pass it back to him.

The toddler started biting the cookie.   
  
“Oh, no, no, that’s not how you do it,” Kevin said genially. “Look. Like you’re wringing a little bird’s neck. Chirp, chirp, hurrk!” He stuck both hands through the gap and demonstrated twisting the two halves apart. “Then you suck the trachea clean.” He shoved his face right up against the edge and stuck his tongue way out to lick the frosting, grinning widely.

Sammy laughed and mimicked him. Then he asked, “Ai noccom dow?”

“I’m stuck here. The elevator won’t move.”

Holding an oreo half in each hand, the toddler gestured with both hands, wobbling a little, and said, “Iffib mimbayoo. Ip maaaa. In da paba ga. Anb siffi hutboo. Anb. Anb. Mit naaaw.”

“Oh! That’s a good idea!” Kevin looked at the crowd, baffled that nobody had moved. “He said why haven’t you tried accessing the maintenance panel on the top of the elevator carriage from the next floor up? You can probably drop down a ladder so I can climb out.”

And excited titter rippled through the crowd. A couple people broke off to run to the 58th floor.

“Hurry!” Kevin called after them. “Diego’s probably getting worried about me being late!”

They screamed a little and ran even faster.

Kevin gave another smile and little wave to the toddler, then backed into the center of the elevator. He carefully folded Sammy’s picture and tucked it into his pocket for safe keeping, then stood, looking up at the panel on the ceiling.

Soon there was the sound of scuffling and muffled arguments:

“There it is. Just get on top and pry it up.”

“What if he jumps out? With his knives?”

“You go down there.”

“I’m not gonna be the one to mishandle Diego’s vicious little sex toy.”

“We have a death pact!”

The panel started to lift, then dropped. Somebody directed their mouth at the roof and shouted, “Hey, we don’t want to startle you. We’re about to open the top, okay?”

“Okay!” Kevin shouted back.

The panel was pulled fully away. Two people on the carriage roof looked down at him with huge eyes.

Kevin waved.

“Okay,” one of them sighed. “Drop down the ladder!”

Someone had obtained a six foot stepladder astonishingly fast. They passed it down, being very careful to guide it into Kevin’s hands without clonking him on the head.

Kevin set up the ladder, snagged the nice man’s paper bag with the thermos and tupperware tucked neatly inside it, and climbed out. The people on the roof caught his hands and torso, guiding him out, and the crowd from the 57th floor, who had all migrated to the 58th floor, aside from the passed-out woman, whom Sugar Lump had abandoned without a second thought, all reached out and helped pull him onto the floor. There were about 14 of them now.

Everyone applauded, and, as Kevin stood, took a step back.

“Wow! Thanks, all!” Kevin said, beaming at them. “I really— Diego!”

Everyone in the crowd froze, then, like clockwork automatons, haltingly turned to see who had come through the fire door.

Diego stood there in shiny dandelion-yellow high heels and his best suit, resplendent and grimacing. The smell of expensive cologne and home cooking wafted from his perfect hair. He surveyed the crowd between himself and his boyfriend, and his lips stretched further down his face.

Kevin bounded up to him and gave him a huge hug and kiss. “I got trapped in the elevator!” he exclaimed. “But all these nice people helped me out!”

The crowd stared at Diego with jaws dropped and eyes wide.

Kevin bounded to the man holding Sammy and snatched the toddler from his arms. “This little tyke is the one who figured out how to rescue me! He’s a hero!”

Sammy giggled. Kevin held him up to Diego with outstretched arms.

  
“I am not kissing that,” Diego said. “Come on, Kevin. Dinner’s getting cold.”

“I already a— err. Sure, Diego!” Kevin passed the child back to his father, along with the paper lunch bag and half-eaten box of oreos. All three things fell to the ground as the stunned man failed to grab on to them.

Diego put his arm possessively around Kevin and gave the crowd a long, thoughtful glare. For a moment, everyone hung frozen in time and in fate.

“Thank you,” Diego said flatly, and turned to lead Kevin up the stairs.

A relieved sigh waited in everyone’s throats as Diego opened the stairway door. Kevin turned one last time, waving a bloody knife to make his friendly gesture that much longer and shinier. “Thanks again, all!” he said. As Diego pulled him out of sight, he called out to Sugar Lump, “Let me know when you need a baby sitter!”

THE END.

 

Epilogue:

“And now, Deset Bluffs, we go to a little corner of the news I call my personal life. I got stuck in an elevator, and only three people died! It was quite the adventure, and it had quite an unlikely hero: a two-year-old little scientist named Sammy. Little Sammy not only saved the day, he also won my heart. And I’ve struck up quite the friendship with his parents as well! Why, just yesterday, I went over for a visit and they were so eager to let me spend time with their boy that they shoved him in my arms while shouting ‘Take him! Just spare us our lives!’ Haha, I know how claustrophobic you parents can get. It was a pleasure to have Sammy to myself a little while. And this weekend, we’re all going to play frisbee golf!”


End file.
